Wait, That's It?

"WE welcome a nation's symphony of faith"?

Th' fuck?

WIllard Mitt has had a year, minimum, to write that speech, his "Moment", and it winds up sounding like, take your pick: a) a Wednesday luncheon address to the Jaycees of Greater Ottumwa; b) the guest sermon at a Methodist/Church of Christ Interfaith Sunday; c) the back of a box of Kellogg's Frosted Religious Flakes & Nuts.

Okay, I take that back. For "sermon" read "perfunctory remarks before opening the serving line on the monthly Pot Luck Dinner".

Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God.

The "Elusive Butterfly of Democracy" Theory.

I don't know about you, but had I stopped for a moment before--and I assuredly did not--and tried to figure out just why Willard Mitt Romney was running for President I believe I'd have drawn a blank, apart from the natural villainy that's in all of us. So, again, always trust your first impressions.

Let me assure you that no authorities of my church, or of any other church for that matter, will ever exert influence on presidential decisions.

"As your President, I promise I will continue to pander only to that same set of rabid mainstream Christian extremists I've already sold out every ideal to. Unless circumstances dictate otherwise. Offer void in Utah."

I believe in my Mormon faith and I endeavor to live by it. My faith is the faith of my fathers. I will be true to them and to my beliefs.

I'm sorry...I'm having trouble concentrating on your speech and experiencing the sensation of whiplash simultaneously.

Is this what you people have against public education (theoretically, I mean, not the stuff about the coloreds)? That it's generally not permissible to give two diametrically opposed answers to the same question and still get an "A"?

You had a year! You have every consultant untold billions of consulting-firm fees can buy you. And now (ahead of schedule and "against their advice") you tell us not to worry that the Elders of your church will order you to sew preteen vaginas shut across this Great Land of Ours, but if you personally decide that Angels from the planet Mongo have ordered you to wipe Islam violent Islam off the face of the globe you're cool with it?

So lemme ask you: why should we trust a President who's already demonstrated he'll throw as much money as possible at any problem as a principled approach to problem-solving, even when it's his own or his investors' cash he's playing with? "Assume people are stupid, and say 'Jesus' a lot." I'd have given you that advice six months ago for $37.50, plus S&H.

In John Adams' words: ``We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. ... Our Constitution,'' he said, ``was made for a moral and religious people.''

Oh, shit, I left out "Quote the founders at their baronial, kindly-keep-the-peasants-downwind, finest. See Adams, John." Okay, 10% off.

Given our grand tradition of religious tolerance and liberty...

As illustrated by what's been practiced on, and by, my own little enclave...

some wonder whether there are any questions regarding an aspiring candidate's religion that are appropriate. I believe there are.

As illustrated by my tanking in Iowa...

And I'll answer them today.

Well, "answer" in the same sense that my sons are "serving in Iraq".

I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer to God.

All four of 'em. Faiths, I mean. Four Gods would be an absurdity.

And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were in my own: I love the profound ceremony of the Catholic Mass, the approachability of God in the prayers of the evangelicals, the tenderness of spirit among the Pentecostals, the confident independence of the Lutherans, the ancient traditions of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the commitment to frequent prayer of the Muslims.

Those comical one-liners of Confucius. Those tickle me. Reggae, except the political stuff. The delicious sausages of the Poles. The tasty fried potatoes of the French. As President, I'll wear a Pope hat and take peyote. Did I leave anybody out?

As I travel across the country and see our towns and cities, I am always moved by the many houses of worship with their steeples, all pointing to heaven, reminding us of the source of life's blessings

Right. Whenever I find myself in that small town America Mitt's servants hail from, I inevitably tear up at the sight of a brave Jewish steeple. I mean, Christ, these guys can't avoid saying "Some of my best friends are Negroes" even when they're the Negro.

But in recent years, the notion of the separation of church and state has been taken by some well beyond its original meaning.

Refresh my memory, willya Mitt?

They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It's as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America - the religion of secularism. They are wrong.

No new religions! I've pandered enough, and if I have to eat another rubber knish I'm gonna hurl!

You just knew this was where he was headed, didn't you? "Let us come together as a freedom-loving people and really hate the atheists?" The only surprising thing--okay, not that surprising--is that we've reached a point where this sort of thing passes for public discourse. I don't expect Willard to address the real issues involved. I 'd just like it if someone would either answer the question without tapdancing clogging for an hour, or tell everyone else to go piss up a rope. Anything but Jell-O mold faux-theism. If Romney had pulled a random six items from The Big Book of Really, Really Crackpot Shit Mormons Are Supposed To Believe, Really, and said, "Yes, I believe those, because I'm a Mormon," I'd consider voting for him. That would have shown some character. Kucinich acknowledged seeing a UFO, and that's without believing he'd suffer Eternal Paper Cuts if he denied it. And y'know, just once I'd like to hear someone acknowledge that this sort of Bronze Age mush, rather than being constantly besieged, has been ascendant for thirty years without its having solved anything except the problem of making government seem more noisome and less efficient than it already was, and ought to go back to quietly informing people's lives instead of publicly screaming how desperate they are in the first place. What Mitt Romney will "do as President" is about as realistic a question as what he'll be doing when the Avenging Seraphim fly over Washington D.C. in their flaming Celestial Nash Ramblers*. Why we're all supposed to be listening is the real question.


* What his own father was doing while "The Greatest Generation" was "defeating fascism and vanquishing the Soviet Union."