Could We At Least Get Better Liars?

MY Poor Wife (resting comfortably for now, thanks) had the NBC Nightly News As Performed By Brian Williams on last night, a signal for me to withdraw to my office, but my mood was such that I didn't reach for the earplugs, and enjoyed instead listening to the Pants Crapping Opening Monologue about Libya. US and NATO weigh military options! Where's Irving Berlin when you really need him?

At some point someone actually found a guy who knew what he was talking about, and who said, basically, "Th' fuck's a No-Fly zone supposed to do?" while adding a little grace note about what it would cost in these budget-conscious times. I believe they refer to this in the mass-market news biz as "comic relief".

The highlight for me, though--okay, there's the fact that things are so bad in the country that in an international "crisis" we turn to Andrea Mitchell for an explanation, but I'm not quite cynical enough to call that a "highlight"--was Susan Rice calling Gaddafi "delusional". Having the United States Ambassador to the UN call your public political pronouncements "delusional" is like having the French Minister of Manners call you "rude".

For the love of Voltaire, how often do people need to be reminded that all our enemies are idiots? Can one in three Americans even point to Libya on a map? (Can 2 in 3 point out Africa?) It's like the Red Menace was that bad boy boyfriend we broke up with after high school, but still fantasize about during those monthly three-minute sessions with the actuary with the combover we wound up with.

And I don't know about you, but I don't speak Arabic, or Farsi. I do know just enough about languages to have some sense of the pitfalls in translating even modern French, Middle German, or Old Frisian into English. Yet every word attributed to Gaddafi or Ahmadinejad is a spotless window into his craziness. Weren't Brian Williams and Jon Stewart just yukkin' it up last week about this? "He said 'goat burger', heh heh heh." I mean, there are at least six levels on which that could be wrong before people who lie about such things for a living got a hold of it, and you just swallow it whole? Was Mubarak really all that grounded an individual? Why is it that "sanity" equates with "taking what money we're willing to give you and shutting th' fuck up?" Are these people schoolteachers? Gaddafi's a goddam junta-leading Colonel. Sanity? His sanity has been moot since back when we spelled it "Kadaffi"; hell, it was seriously in question back when we decided he could be trusted to run the place. That was Nixon and Kissinger. Who's fucking crazy, again? I could care less what you say about Ahmadinejad, provided you don't use it as an excuse to nuke Iran. Okay? Like pretty much everything else in Life, crazy is a continuum.

Speaking of combovers, I think I failed to consider whether despising Mitch Daniels was a good enough reason to actually follow what Mitch Daniels is doing on an almost daily basis. Not that I really have much choice, since the local news follows him around now like he's Erik Estrada. Two weekend teleprompter readers mentioned that he'd "escaped the political turmoil in Indiana" to go make speeches in DC; both said "escaped" (on different channels) as though the poor man was forced to flee the pounding jungle rhythms favored by his teenagers for the sanctity of his garage workshop. Obviously, neither could even be bothered to rewrite a quip from Daniels' own people, nor wonder if it was fair, let alone ask why he's off making campaign speeches when he's not a candidate when he's got plenty of the people's business at home he could be tending. (This was just a couple days after Short n' Smirky joked about sending the Democrats the bill for the Special Sessions he's planning to call until he gets his way.)

Yesterday's Star gave us a thoughtful recap, and Mitch the opportunity to say this:

"The less I do, the louder it [the national 'buzz' about his 'candidacy'] gets,"

"I dunno how the fire got out of control, Your Honor. All I was doing was stoking it."

Lessee. Apparently the CPAC Ronald Reagan Dinner speaking slot--much more prestigious than the Reagan Breakfast, Reagan Brunch, or Reagan Lite Snack n' Nap slots--reached out an' snagged him; then this weekend he was required to go on the News Hour, NPR, and FOX. I guess "doing less" must mean he didn't have the final edit on Sunday's Bi-weekly Wall Street Journal fluffing.

"It's not my matinee idol looks or charisma," he added, referring to the obligatory references in profiles such as The Wall Street Journal's to his 5-foot-7 stature and lack of pizzazz.

Did you GET THAT? HE LACKS CHARISMA! I guess if he ever decides to run he'll have to address that, somehow. Maybe try to make a running gag of it, or somethin'.

The best part, though--Mitch had a better weekend than I did, but then I have to try to get rid of bilge--was when last week's twelve hour statesman pose, back when he said this about skedaddling Democrats:

“The activities of today are perfectly legitimate part of the process,” he said. “Even the smallest minority, and that’s what we’ve heard from in the last couple days, has every right to express the strength of its views and I salute those who did.”

reared up an' bit him like the one-year tax increase he advocated for fifteen minutes.

Daniels was pressed [on FOX] about whether he initially expressed support for Democratic legislators' right to walk out, something he got hammered for by conservative bloggers and that could be a problem for him in a GOP primary should he decide to run for president. Daniels said he had been referring to the right of union members to express their objection to legislation, not lawmakers' right to walk out to prevent the quorum needed to debate bills.

Yes, the Governor of Indiana called the first of three press conferences last week, which literally doubled the number he's called in his second term, just to announce that he supported the right to peaceable assembly. Apparently there was some question as to whether Indiana was planning to nullify the First Amendment once it got rolling. Not that that would hurt him on the campaign trail.

Now will you fuckers just leave the poor man alone?