Tuesday, October 9

In Brief

DUE to some unknown and unintended offense I've given a minor diety, today's post, a charming, Thurberesque tale of autumn lawn care, power tool rental, a comic misapprehension, and the resultant 911 call which segued into a report of a local news channel running a story about a suburban church partnering with "the leading Christian pornography site", which, it turns out, is, if anything, the leading Christian anti- pornography site (which the viewer was supposed to have understood), before denouncing local news and everyone involved in it while briefly reprising the lawn-care theme and adding, as a icy wind blowing off the frozen river of American competence, that the zebra-striped professional arbiters of Sunday night's Bears-Packers game could not manage to get a Too Many Men on the Field call correct despite access to videotape from a dozen cameras, will not be completed in time. Refunds are available at the counter.


D. Sidhe said...

which the viewer was supposed to have understood

Man, I hate it when that happens.

Listen, you keep your refund, and I'll keep the one you guys are owed for the post about my cat I was planning to do a couple weeks ago. Believe me, you're coming out way ahead and don't have to read about my cat besides.

I trust the 911 situation was resolved without undue, permanent blood loss?

punkinsmom said...

That was almost as good as a post. Although you've now piqued my curiosity about your autumn lawn care regimen.

p.s. D.Sidhe, what would constitute due blood loss?

Julia said...

which the viewer was supposed to have understood

the reader suspects she knows how the viewer feels.

Fini Finito said...

I believe the aforementioned referee situation can best be explained b the decades-old practice of fluoridation of the water supply. Those damn Communists have finally gone and corrupted the once great tradition of football at Lambeau Field, which is no longer frozen, nor tundra. I believe that stench you smell is the melted cheese mixed with warmer than usual sauerkraut and beer brats in the parking lot of the formerly frozen former tundra of Lambeau Field.

By the way this whole comment is meant to be heard inside one's head in the voice of NFL Films' John Facenda who died in 1984 but whose voice lives on in ancient film footage that causes a stir in mens' and womens' hearts the world over.

pookapooka said...

Sigh. There you go again, working 911 into your so-called humor column. Give it up. We know who you are. We see thru you clearly and you will not get the nomination.

Don't chuckle up your sleeve in a rude and derisive manner, you craven commentary-lurkers out there. I'm trying to warn you. Can't you see the resemblance? Take off the beard and Grampappy Amos hat, photoshop a sparkly Carol Channing gown, some lipstick, eye shadow, and who do you see? I ask you, who?

Irrefutable Proof #2: "james brIggs strAttoN doGhoUse rILEY(ey=i)" is the perfect acronym. Almost. Very cryptic and clever, oh devious spawn of the Evil One.

A-and what about that "a icy wind" Freudian slip? Sounds like pure New Yawk pidgin to me. You're outed, JBSDR. Case closed.

D. Sidhe said...

punkinsmom: Anything you can walk away from is just a future humorous anecdote to tell later when it ripens.

yellojkt said...

You get what you pay for. And often less.

LittlePig said...

Well fooey, I was hoping to find out what Christian pornography was.

My guess was that viewing the lovely lasses in question caused exclamations of "Jesus!" or "Good Lord!". Cries of "Great Caesar's Ghost", while handy for newspaper editors, would be unacceptable for this venue.