Thursday, March 4

And They Say Compromise Is A Lost Art

NEWS ITEM: Confederate Rep. Patrick McHenry, McNamesake of the great Southern patriot Patrick "Give Me Liberty, Or Give Me Death, And If You Happen To Need Me During The Actual Shooting Part I'll Be Home Straightening Out This Damnable Filing System" Henry, proposes replacing U.S. Grant on the fifty dollar bill with Ronald Wilson Reagan:
"President Reagan was a modern day statesman, whose presidency transformed our nation's political and economic thinking," McHenry said in a statement. "Through both his domestic and international policies he renewed America's self confidence, defeated the Soviets and taught us that each generation must provide opportunity for the next."

And, in the spirit of that convincing argument, and the accidental choice of the fifty ("McHenry says it's only logical for Reagan to replace Grant on the $50 bill because several historians have ranked Reagan as a much better president than Grant. McHenry specifically cites a 2005 Wall Street Journal survey of scholars who placed Reagan at No. 6 and Grant at No. 29.") I'm hoping to get in early on the design competition:

I've got a few other ideas, just in case that one doesn't meet with the same universal acclaim the Reagan Presidency has received from serious scholars:

1) Put him on a cardboard cutout of the fifty.

2) Create a $65.07 bill, since that's what it took to buy $50 worth of stuff once he was finished.

3) Create a bill that's 3.8 times larger than the present bill, since that's what he did to the Federal deficit. Insist you're making the bill smaller, while you do so. Gee I love nostalgia.

4) Announce that the fifty is now worth $70 when the bearer's personal wealth is in the top 1% .

5) Put Reagan on the fifty, but eliminate the Bureau of Engraving and Printing before you make any.

6) Just fucking announce that is Reagan on the fifty. Th' fuck does reality have to do with it?

7) Dye the damn thing orange.


Scott C. said...

McHenry has my mcsupport so long as the legislation specifies your design is to be used on the final product.

The problem with putting an image of Reagan on the $50, of course, is that it's so easily counterfeited, and a lot of merchandise vendors at CPAC might find they'd actually been paid off with a Palin, or a Mitt.

Maybe we could just leave the portrait hole blank, and let the denomination be whatever the market will bear. You could try, say, to buy one hundred dollars work of merchandise with the Reagan, and when the sales clerk pointed out you'd only given him a fifty, you could say, "A few moments ago I told you this was a $100. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that's true, but the facts and the evidence tell me it is not."

Because honest negotiation is the soul of compromise.

Grace Nearing said...

Images of modern presidents (say post-WWII) should appear only the Treasuries we sell overseas to fund out debt.

D. Sidhe said...

I love you, Doghouse.

arghous said...

8) If any Nicaraguan rebels need scrip, Reagan might look quite fabulously on a 5¢ Cordoba, him fitting in quite nicely with their founding fathers and all.

Dennis-SGMM said...

The continuing hagiography of Reagan suggests to me that shadow has replaced substance in the Republican party. The fact that it works makes me glad that I'm an Old Guy who will be taking the dirt nap before the nation is completely subsumed in idiocracy.

scripto said...

You mean this guy:

"If it takes a bloodbath to silence the demonstrators," Reagan said, "let's get it over with."

Later he clarified his statement and declared that he meant to say "spongebath"

Read more: SFGate and Snopes

Anonymous said...

And they don't like your reasoning? Weird.


Another Luke said...

I think Reagan's face on the ketchup bottle makes a lot more sense than his face on the $50 bill.

beejeez said...

Since he tripled the country's deficit, how about putting Ronnie's face on the negative $50?

mb said...

Backside of the bill should feature the laffer curve with an embedded chip that LOL's when you flip it over.

KWillow said...

Is there a Washington D.C. Monopoly game (after all- they have Sponge Bob & Beatles and Muppet Monopoly).

They could put Regan on the $100 bill, or heck, all ALL the monopoly money.

Now there's his Legacy.

cavjam said...

It would more behoove a banana republic - i.e., one which imports its common manufactured items and exports food - to perhaps place Bonzo in the cameo.

Augustus Mulliner said...

And then you take one of those 50s and buy a key-shaped cake at Safeway. And a carton of ketchup packets at Sam's. Anything left over goes to the Hollywood Canteen.
You're really making me mist up, Dog.

Aaron said...

This may not be your finest post ever, Mr. Riley, but it's definitely in the top ten.

drip said...

Just another day at the office for Doghouse. An easy target some would say, but like those ice skating compulsories, some do them better than others.

cleter said...

Why not just rename the deficit after him? The Ronald Reagan Memorial Deficit.

And if Reagan deserves to be on the Fifty, because he came in 6th in the WSJ poll, does that mean we get to put FDR, who was third, on the twenty dollar bill?

R. Porrofatto said...

As one who has a picture of himself with a cardboard cutout of Ronald Reagan taken at the Reagan Library (not to mention genuflecting before a larger-then-life statue of the great man) I can appreciate all of your ideas. I'd suggest that the words "Legal Tender" be changed to "Trickle Down" and the decimal point shifted accordingly based either on the economic class of the bearer -- $500.00 for Hank Paulson, $5.00 for me -- or the place of purchase -- the bill would be worth $5,000 at the yacht dealer, fifty cents at the bodega. Whatever it is, the formula should be as convoluted and arbitrary as possible for everyone but rich people.

Brendan said...

Great post, and many great comments, too.

Suddenly, it feels like it's morning again in America.

Anonymous said...

"...taught us that each generation must rack up trillions in debt for the next."