"Pennies and raisins and apples are the worst thing to give out to a kid," said Sean McManus, a 14-year-old version of Charlie Brown. "And no Almond Joys. Those are old-people candy."
Look, kid, first, if you're trick-or-treating and you're over 13 and below the legal drinking age with at least one of your party being a hot chick, don't come to my door unless you have something to trade. And yes, we card. Because we care.
Is this the one day of the year you leave your Playstation? Coconut, almonds, and simulated chocolate are not old people candy. You don't know old people candy!
Try out the sour green/yellow spheres you could never really tell the color of because they'd developed a patina. Sample the candied orange slice things or the little pillow-shaped white mint deals. Marzipan centers, kid. Little square things with brick-red edges and an off-off-white top with a floweresque garnish. Son, you have not even glimpsed the portals of Hell, let alone stared into its gaping maw. The only thing you could eat out of my grandma's candy dish was the caramels, and if you took more than two you lived to regret it. Which was still better than special occasions, when the Whitman sampler came out and you stared death right in the face. I had a cousin who was at Khe Sanh and he still wakes up screaming thinking about grandma's candies, you little punk.