Tuesday, June 3

re: 2008 Elections

James B. S. Riley
Global Powders & Notions, LLC

General Delivery

Indianapolis, IN
June 3, 2008


Jesus Horatio Christ
Co-Founder
The One True Religion, Inc.
Heaven
Time Immemorial

Dear Jesus:

I gotta tell Ya, first off, that we had quite a discussion about that salutation here at Global Powders. People suggested everything from "Your Worshipfulness" to "Anointed One" to "You don't have to write Him, He hears everything you say." One guy even insisted Your name was Yehoshua, which led to ugly name-calling and some minor fisticuffs down in the cube farm; I suppose You're used to that sort of thing. I emailed Rod Dreher--I figured if anybody knew he would--but I haven't heard back yet.

Anyway, in the end I fell back on my unadorned Midwestern Protestant upbringing, since I'm pretty sure that's Your preference. But on the off-chance it isn't, no offense! okay? I mean, I've already got water in my basement. Frogs would bring the neighborhood association down on my ass. (Just kidding!)

Anyway, I suppose You know why I'm writing You. You've been Personally involved in every US Presidential election since 1976, and things have gone from bad to worse. And maybe that's Your preference--who am I to question it, huh?--but my god Your people are embarrassing themselves. I'm pretty sure by now You realize turning the Catholic bishops loose on John Kerry was a mistake of biblical proportions. New Coke™, even. I mean, jeez, they've only been civilized for a couple of generations at best, and You rile them up about the Eucharist all over again. Don't you vet these people? How'd one of 'em wind up at Trinity United doing a drag-show Joan Rivers? Haven't we suffered enough? Sometimes I think Your sense of humor is just too subtle for the room, Dude.

So, in conclusion, would it hurt You to sit the rest of this one out? I'm pretty sure we can fuck it up the rest of the way all by ourselves.

Sincerely,


James B.S. Riley

P.S. I'm enclosing some shots of my knee, if you've got a moment.

JBSR: dc
enclosure

5 comments:

aimai said...

hysterical. And so timely. Let us know if you get a response. Did you send a SSAE?

aimai

Don McArthur said...

Snail mail? Pfui. He does have gmail account #3, you know.

Jaye Ramsey Sutter said...

Would John Kennedy quit his church over a little think like "Goddamn America?" I mean one off color--oops--remark in twenty years of membership and it is out the door after a Catholic looses his religion over a mere woman challenging a black man?

Jesus, how in the world are you going to follow this Obama act?

Donna said...

Hilarious! Thank you.

Anonymous said...

What I'm curious about is this "dc" who does your typing, Doghouse.

Not only are you the only blogger I know of who maintains a steady trans-dimensional correspondence (deities, dead people, etc.), but the only one who does it using a Dictaphone and a secretary, or "admin assistant" if you like.