I'm hoping some of you younger readers will help me out here.
A) You are a middle-aged man with plumbing problems. That is, your house has a plumbing problem. Let's call you "Riley".
You are presently returning to Lowe's because the 3/8"/3/8" OD female connection angle valve you purchased, and have the water in your house shut off in anticipation of installing, turned out in fact to be 3/8"/1/2". Pursuant to exchanging the product you are driving in the parking lot at the unlisted but reasonable speed limit of 15 mph when, from behind an unattended van parked in the loading lane there suddenly appears directly in front of you a twenty-something whatever-you-call-Yuppies these days who is dedicating 100% of his attention to the cell phone which gives every appearance of never leaving his ear while he's in public. Questions:
1) Is it proper to just hit him? Or should you follow him as he returns to his SUV, block in it, and urinate on it?
2) Whatever do you call Yuppies these days?
B) You are a member of the grand jury seated to hear the case against the guy who shot whatever MSNBC genius gave Tucker Carlson yet another show. Do you vote:
1) Justifiable homicide?
2) Performing veterinary euthanasia without a license?
3) To put him on a stamp?
Thanks in advance,
Riley
7 comments:
A1) Only if no one is looking. Otherwise, follow him and lean on the horn, until he has to hang up.
A2) Dorks.
B: I'd go with 2, and after the trial, start a blog to help him raise the eight bucks he needs for his fine.
The guy who does Tucker Carlson, though, gets a medal and the thanks of a grateful nation. Plus a PBS tote bag or something.
Lord, do I know that song about the connectors.
One very effective way to deal with the first situation, is to lay on the horn and wave at the guy like he's your long lost brother. When he finally gets out of the car to see WTF you want, you way, "Oh, I thought you were my cousin, or brother, or whatever.
The proper term for a Yuppie is Asshole. What makes an ordinary person a Yuppie? Well, if you don't know them then they must be a Yuppie. That's simple, huh?
Who's Tucker Carlson?
Doghouse, I may not be young but I'm younger than you, so here goes:
A
1) Given that you are carrying a 3/8"/3/8" OD female connection angle valve, put it to good use. Tackle the self-involved yakker and consider your options. While it may feel good to give him a shiny new angled sphincter, may I suggest jamming it in his ear, pulling out the Mr. Microphone you carry around for just such an occasion, maxing out the volume while placing it in the valve, and repeatedly screaming "Can you hear me now?" Watch his eyes carefully; you'll know it's time to stop when one pupil is fully dilated and the other becomes milky.
2) My brother's classification scheme for humans gives only 2 options. You're either an asshole or a dick. The difference is that a dick is an asshole who knows better. So I'm guessing dicks.
B) Given the killer's effectiveness, initiative, and sound moral judgement, I'd vote for him or her for President.
And Houston, in this case, ignorance, feigned or not, truly is bliss.
A.1 and A.2: "Hood ornament".
B - Whatever the civil penalty is for breaking in front of the line.
Well, you follow him back to the SUV THEN hit him and urinate on both while dialing 911 repeatedly on his cell phone.
I believe the current term for Yuppie is 'Republican'.
For the Tucker Carlson question, it was probably made by a commitee, so why not mix amd match?
A)1) Throwing things and swearing loudly would be my actual choice, but hitting him would be what I'd rather do. Of course, you could always stop your vehicle just behind him so that he doesn't see you and when he backs out and hits your vehicle, you sue him for everything he's got plus an agreement that he's not allowed at Lowes ever again when he knows that he's actually paying someone else to do all the work for him.
A)2) Unfortunately, "Boss". There's a joke I heard some transplanted New Yorkers here in Charlotte that was funny because true, but upsetting at the same time: "What do you call a New Yorker who's been in Charlotte for 2 weeks?" "Boss" (of course my choice for an answer would have been carpetbagger.)) Of course asshole works as an alternate.
B)Whatever the outcome, I would release white doves at his acquittal.
A
1. Block the SUV and sprinkle it. If said individual is in an SUV and parking in a spot labeled "compact," consider taking a dump on the SUV's hood.
2. Cretins. (Although I had no idea "boss" was an option ...)
B
Put him on a stamp. Hug him first.
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