Friday, November 16

Friday That's Just The Vicodin Blogging

SHIT, pal, lemme tell ya. The Republic ain't doomed because Campbell Brown is helping us select a President. The Republic is doomed because Campbell Brown has a job. Campbell Brown is Diane Sawyer: The Next Generation. She's Mrs. Dan Fucking Senor, fer chrissakes. She was taped jumping up and down and hugging people when Bush (whom she was covering) "won" Florida. Remember when there was a shitstorm because Dan Rather spoke at a union picnic?

I mean, we're a country full of religious lunatics and nobody, nobody objects when the Spawn of Senor percolates a few feet from the potential Next President of the United States. People believe in UFOs, guardian angels, and the effectiveness of waterboarding, but they're content to imagine The Omen is "just a show"?

It's champions week on Jeopardy! and the other night the category was something like "Women's Names in Song Titles" and a) nobody got "Allison", but they got fucking John Glad He's Dead Denver's "Annie's Song", speaking of waterboarding, and b) some joker on the staff made Elvis Costello a lower-valued clue than Mr. Fucking Billion Units Country Ro-oads Whose Idea of the "Country" Was Motherfuckin' Aspen. Right. Thanks for trying to convince me the world is sane. Try harder next time. If you're not gonna try at all, try Slate, which says that Email Is Dead (cause kids these days IM). See how it's done? Now they just leave it to the reader to be the contrarian! Email isn't dying because teens IM. Email is doomed because once those dumbass little fuckers get ahold of this fucked-up planet everything is doomed. The fuckin' Movement "Conservatives" are just the warm up act, the Shecky Greene to their geriatric no-voiced Sinatra. Goldberg's gonna look like an actual public intellectual by the time this thing's over, I'm tellin' ya.

Okay, so that's unfair. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I love kids. And we're already fuckin' doomed anyhow. We've been doomed since Reagan. We've got Captain Queeg on the bridge, only this one never had any marbles, and he isn't even smart enough to realize he steamed through his own tow line, let alone trying to cover it up anymore, and he's just Reagan 2.0. Wait'll we get Reagan Vista. I mean, people talk about what Reagan didn't do, like initiating thermonuclear war, as though this was a positive attribute. He couldn't do it because the public hadn't quite been dumbed down enough. Bush couldn't do it because somebody screwed up and dumbed down the government even faster. It'll all balance out someday. Huh? Well of course I realize Bush didn't have a Soviet Union to nuke. Reagan didn't have one to speak of either, and that never stopped him from pretending he did. You supply the prose poems, I'll supply the Holocaust.

You got another one? Anyway, did you watch Debate #473 last night? Pretty good. I'd rank it with #214, myself. Goddamn it, Hillary Clinton is the best candidate out there. It's not even close. That Huckabee guy might qualify as a promising minor leaguer, and don't get me started on the Quadrennial Let's Elect A Really Insane Guy shit. It's Hillary. She's good. She didn't panic. Just like Bill, she didn't fight fire with fire. She blew the goddam flame out, knocked the fucker over, put a boot to the throat, and said, calmly, "What was that, again?" Bill was swattin' fungoes compared to her. That gender-card crapola from last week just vanished. She swatted Edwards like he was a pouty three-year-old. And Obama, hell, it's "Why Won't You Stop Hitting Yourself?" Krugman:
But Mr. Obama’s Social Security mistake was, in fact, exactly what you’d expect from a candidate who promises to transcend partisanship in an age when that’s neither possible nor desirable.

Damn skippy. I mean, there are worse things than a President light on experience, and there are worse things than a President who fought against the Iraq War as Treasurer of the Chicago Ward-Heelers Society but can't quite bring himself to denounce Smoke and/or Mirrors as a foreign policy tool. But, at least among Democrats, there's nothing worse than a candidate who takes advice from Maureen Dowd.

For cryin' out loud, he tried to compare Clinton to Rudy & Mitt last night. Who the hell is advising this guy? Two-thirds of the Democratic party, and the entire netroots gaggle, is unhappy with the party, fed-up with Congress, and boiling mad about the last seven years, and somehow Barack Obama can't find anyplace to stand because some genius suggested branding him as Mr. Anti-Partisanship amid the fucking wreckage of a government vandalized by the other party's partisans. Lovely parting gifts! Thanks for playing our game!

Say one thing: President Clinton will kick Tim Russert's ass, but she'll probably be too subtle about it. I'd vote for her right now, if I could, for our next Press Secretary. Hell, I'll vote for her if she'll backchannel me and tell me the first thing her Press Secretary will do, on 1/20/09, is to stand up in front of the Press Corpse and read a two-page history of Vandalgate, Pardongate, and Giftgate with particular attention paid, by name, to Mike Allen and Andrea Mitchell, then suggest they all sleep on it and return bright and early tomorrow.

And make Ailes give Bill his own show.

But fer chrissakes, dude, a fucking Centrist Democrat is the best we can manage in a crisis. I mean, I watched the goddam Brian Williams Show last night--the next President should decree they can't call it "News" anymore--and it was just the local news with more helicopters. If you've got nothing to say, at least have a Friends rerun racked up. It's the Reagan Curse. We're a nation of Lucky Lotto players, man. You think trading Babe Ruth was anything compared to electing a bad actor past his sell-by date President? You think I've said "fuck" enough to drop down to "High School Sophomore" yet? Can you get this stuff in quantity?


glorified jughound said...

Even before I read your second-to-last question I knew what you were up to.

And me ending a sentence with a preposition should help with the whole dumbing-down thing.

heydave said...

Can I play too?

Regards your screed: fuckin'-A!

Uncle Mike said...

Email is doomed because my parents now know how to email, and they pretty much screw up every technology they touch.

googles pisano said...

Just checked.. not a fucking hope, you are still a fucking elite postgrad now with a fuck'n potty mouth.

billy pilgrim said...

Excellent rant.

But you're gonna need to rant harder. My bloggo scored at Junior-high level; I'd guess it was the foul language combined with music wankery and obsession with chili dogs.

R. Porrofatto said...

Oh my, what a pleasant tirade. To paraphrase Kid Shelleen after his big gunfight "it was just swell."

I bet one of the criteria for the reading level algorithm is sentence length. Your modulating compound constructions are a joy to read and akin to German in complexity, and I mean that in a good way. So a few simple subject, one verb grunts might earn a lower score, maybe all the way to heh-indeed epsilon semi-moron level. Then even Campbell Brown could read you.

Anonymous said...

Your modulating compound constructions are a joy to read and akin to German in complexity, and I mean that in a good way.

Before I read the comments, but after reading the entry preceding this one, I was thinking "one part Rude Pundit, one part maybe Addison and Steele".

So there's an emerging consensus -- periodic pottymouth.

punkinsmom said...

If it's any consolation to you, I think that reading level rating site is a load of crap too.

And you can type fuckin' all you want, but when you're mixing it with references to Chicago Ward-Heelers and Pardongate, you're not gonna drop below 'College' because no one below that level has a clue what either (or most of) those are. It's all that damn IMing. Rots the brain.

KathyR said...

You only said "dude" once. So no dice.

I am currently in possession of one of those most-coveted-demographic individuals. A 14-year-old boy with pocket money. Unless I send him to boarding school. Or maybe you want him?

But I digress. If he's any indication, IM-ing is also dead. On the computer, it's video chat. Cell phone texting is the new/old IM-ing.

Yeah. Obama. Verrrrry disappointed.

M. Bouffant said...

R. Porrofatto probably pegged it. I'm still collecting on the patent for the run-on sentence. Just wish I'd locked up the comma market too.

I saw that Jeopardy too, & had about the same reaction.

I give it 20 yrs. before they're just plugging the internet or whatever the hell they'll call it directly into their atrophied brains & mentally grunting at each other. It'll be an "upgrade" 'cause they'll be able to grunt at the entire planet instead of just across the room.

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