Thursday, September 4

Knocked Up In Wasilla With The Juneau Blues Again

OKAY, first, it turns out Peggy Noonan may possess half a brain. Fittingly, we learn this only by accident.  With apologies to Tom Lehrer, if I hadn't already lived through Heinz Kissinger's Nobel Peace Prize the news might'a killed me.

The Noonan, Murphy, Todd ménage demonstrates, once and forever, that at least some of these people are in possession of something approaching normal intelligence, which is precisely the point, and that the major requirement for a teevee/wingnut sinecure pundit, after hair and cosmetics in the former case, is the ability to shoehorn it into a single dimension. You don't hear anybody, not a single cable noisemaker, certainly not Tom Fucking Why Are You Here Again? Brokaw, talk like this on the air. You hear discussions of The Experience Question, speculation about the vetting process or the political strategy behind it, and all of that in a sort of Neverland version. What I doubt anyone has heard, really, is an honest What Th' Fuck Is That? regarding Councilwoman Palin.

It's vertiginous. The more people proclaim they Love Uh Murrica, the more willing, even eager, they are to see her in the hands of witlings. The Republican party apparently now sees as its mission the igniting of bags of dogshit on liberalism's door (let's rephrase that; it now embraces that as its mission, the current generation having tired of pretending to read the Cliff's Notes to Reflections on the Revolution in France and The Wealth of Nations).

And people like Chuck Todd, who are supposed to be in a position to, uh, note it, now see as their mission the touting of cartoon horse races, which, above all else, requires convincing the rubes to bet up the losers. Noonan, Murphy, and Todd, behind the scenes, discuss how "bummed out" "everybody" is about the choice--has that been reflected in any of the coverage? None that I've seen, though I restricted myself to PBS, on the grounds that I can do so without hurling very often, which is more of a personal thing than a tribute to their coverage. Still, the Democratic convention was forty-eight hours of Clinton v. Obama, followed by twenty-four of creeping disappointment when it didn't materialize in person like it materialized in the Press.

Look, I'm realistic enough to realize these people will not tell the truth on air, not if they hope ever to return, but if you're going to avoid the obvious, couldn't you at least try to be fair about it, and not compensate by making shit up and treating that as obvious?

By the way, Noonan's mea culpa is a hoot, in that she apologizes--twice!--for using "a barnyard epithet"! Peggy, Peggy: you said "bullshit". In fact, you excused yourself and said "bullshit". Sheesh, it's probably the one thing in your professional life you shouldn't apologize for.

(Was it David Steinberg in his prime who had the bit about finding "bullshit" in the dictionary? "There it is--bullshit, noun,  and it's defined as 'Nonsense'.  How'd they find the only guy who doesn't know what 'bullshit' means?")

My tape of last night's Festival of Patriotic Fart Lighting cut out after only one hour (and two African-Americans), so I had to catch Councilwoman Palin on the YouTube. And, y'know, I understand that the thing got away from McCain a little bit, but they asked for it. Having been buoyed by a month of good polling numbers they finally found themselves with the obligation to do something beyond hope Obama continued to come to them, and they shored up the fucking base. You'd think if there was one Republican out there who wouldn't allow the Convention to become a replay of 1992, except dumbed down two grade levels in reading comprehension, it would be Maverick McCain. It was redolent of that pathetic Joint Session speech of Junior Bush's in Spring 2001, when the Republicans were jumping up to applaud his finishing sentences like he'd just revealed Phryne in all her glory. I know, I know: we're at the Republican National Convention. Hard to miss when there're more black faces at the podium than in the audience. It was either that or a tape of a suburban megachurch during National Brotherhood Week.

But, c'mon, somebody gave Commander Palin that speech to read. Were they really unaware it was being televised, meaning it was going out to people who aren't just killing time and wildlife before The Rapture? Good Lord, you're the party responsible for the mess people Out There--the people you claim Grandma Palin is One Of--find themselves neck deep in. Cheering throngs of yahoos would seem to be the last thing you'd want to show, but then, maybe you're down to your Last Thing. We can only hope.

By the way: spare me any more fucking lectures about how Liberals, or The Angry Left, or however it is you refer to sane people these days, "just don't get" evangelicals. Yes, yes, yes, you publicly excuse your own if your fat gets anywhere near the fire. This does not come as a shock to anyone who's been paying attention. If Young Miss Palin had denounced the war in Iraq and claimed Jesus was the Prince of Peace we'd've seen how quick you are with the shunning. And, yes, you hate sex and love reproduction. Also not new. Sin is only really a sin if people you consider sinners are doing it, though you'll never put it that way, because Jesus puts a premium on artificial humility. At least His sales reps do.  We get it. Now, you get this: we see through it. If you really think it's still 1992, at least quit trying to pretend you aren't the same bunch who thought Murphy Brown was a real person.

And if it's really a private matter then shut th' fuck up. Quit parading that "she chose Life", excuse me, bullshit; none of us has any insight into the real dynamic at work here. We do know two things: that her mother was willing to sacrifice her on the altar of an ambition most sane people believe she had no claim on, and, two, that there is apparently no real hurry on the matrimony thing, which I would imagine would knock the props out from under the immorality/rising illegitimacy rate argument. That is, I would, if I didn't understand evangelicals.


heydave said...

I luv me some Sarah!
She says what I think I should hear, not of the elitist crap that would make me cogitate an' stuff.
Plus, I'm told she's hot, so maybe she'll fuck me and not really fuck me over. Right? High five!

p.s. Yes, PBS is "best" only in that it draws out my shouting-at-the-tube time span into double digits.

aimai said...

Oh. this was what I've been waiting for. "Revealing Phryne?" you are on fire.


James Stripes said...

Noonan claims she is contrite, but it's not clear about what. She apologizes for uttering a "barnyard epithet," but the identification of this epithet seems to shift.

First, she seems quite clear that her reference to digested grasses passing through male bovines was out of character. But, then, she reminisces about Dan Quayle and "The Narrative." It seems that "The Narrative" is a barnyard epithet that is "too fancy" for Republicans.

I don't like the idea of The Narrative. I think it is ... a barnyard epithet. And, oddly enough, it is something that Republicans are not very good at, because it's not where they live, it's not what they're about, it's too fancy.

Then her apology seems more an apologia and an attack on her listeners than genuine remorse.

I am certainly sorry I blurted my barnyard ephithet, I am certainly sorry that someone abused my meaning in the use of the words, "It's over."

I am forced to rely on your authority that she is "in possession of something approaching normal intelligence" because I simply cannot see it in the Wall Street Journal. Your title for this screed makes one thing clear: the music is better in Memphis, and even in Mobile. I wonder what Dylan thinks.

Jaye Ramsey Sutter said...

The Palin's "success" is really about the people Democrats have forgotten. She is just as much bullshit as Noonan is but it will be damn effective bullshit.

Obama gave many of her lines to her and her White House speech writer--Rove admitted as much on Faux. He is so over the top out of touch that Palin looks sincere. Which is completely impossible in that party.

There was one guy I liked and he died before I was born. FDR was so terrific my grandfather would save the radio batteries to listen to him. He gave my grandfather something that the snake handlers never could, hope. And he really gave a shit whether my grandfather blew his head off in despair or not. My other grandfather said they were so poor in Louisiana they didn't know what the Depression was. They couldn't afford it.

Peggy Noonan hasn't missed a meal or made a hard decision in her life. Most of the commentators were stunned that Palin was good because talking about common Americans is so abstract they were just flabbergasted. Noonan thinks it is over for them.

It isn't if they can continue to convince common people that they have a soul and cast a reflection. And the Democrats can't come up with anything better than Obama thinks he has executive experience because he ran a campaign. Makes you want to cry bullshit on him. Oops I have been for the last 18 months and 18 million votes.

doghouse riley said...

I give Peggy credit for half a brain, conditionally, based on the idea that her excuse for "It's over"--that she meant the successful portrayal of red-meat Republicans as a working majority--is, in fact, correct. I understand that as political insight this ranks with the ability of most of the members of the phyllum Annelida to discern light from dark, but it's still a step up from what I used to give her credit for.

Of course, the idea that Mike Murphy or Chuck Todd could be taught the use of tableware, or might successfully calculate when two opposite-bound locomotives will cross if spotted certain vital information, is not particularly earth-shaking; it's just remarkable to hear them spitting out unadorned truth for once.

And Jaye, I have to confess that at this point I think we have to consider "running a campaign" to be to the politician what the Wonderlic is to pro quarterback prospects.

D. Sidhe said...

I gotta start coming here first. Otherwise I rant incoherently elsewhere when what I really need to do is just say "Go fucking read Riley, okay?"

CSPAN. No commentary. You'd be amazed how almost-tolerable it is.

heydave said... non-cable-impaired elitist!...

Kathy said...

Doghouse, I love your writing! Please put up a paypal button: the $ could go to a favorite charity or cause. Perhaps school supplies for your Poor Wife?

augustus mulliner said...

If I can only catch my breath here for a moment after splitting my sides...
The only way to improve on Noonan's performance would be to fit her with taps, shove her out on a soundstage and set it all to the theme of "Rosalie."
But I still like Jane Powell better as a pundit.

Hattie said...

Naked ladies! Sex! Wow, that is sure getting my gray matter cooking!
Thanks for the trenchant commentary. Not.
Just keep it up and be prepared to welcome President McCain to the White House come January.
I'd never vote for that fool, but I'm sure not happy to think that vicious misogynistic attacks are OK with people in the so-called liberal camp.