Winter Games Update

I got a late start Monday morning, so I switched on USA network with my tea to see what Olympic sport NBC feels is so lacking in appeal to the 18-34 demo it can safely air it live. And I run into their dedicated squish merchant, an LA Times sports reporter named Alan Abrahamson.

Okay, maybe he's not the dedicated squish merchant; it's too early to tell, but my assumption was that he's there for the same reason that Jimmy Roberts is on the parent network in prime time: to coat the Winter Games with enough red-white-and-blue sprinkles to give the audience diabetes. In rapid succession he: seconded the proposed canonization of Michelle Kwan, as if he imagined the issue hadn't quite gotten the coverage it deserved; told us that snowboarder Shaun White was going to be a really big crossover star with middle aged white guys and earn millions in endorsements, adding "he's a skateboarder, too!", like that makes him the Orson Welles of tearing shit up; and noted that former inline skater Chad Hedrick's speedskating gold showed that the US was way ahead of the rest of the world in converting inline skaters to speedskating Olympian medalists. At which point I noted--to the screen, unfortunately, not to him--that the US is far and away the world leader in converting Humvees into stretch limo Humvees, an accomplishment which generates about as much excitement, but probably more money.

First, the snowboarding. Not my cup of tea. My wife likes the dirt-bike and skateboarding versions, and I'll admit their (decidedly minor) attractions, but what the addition of a friction-free surface does for them is beyond me. To me the thing is a combination of the worst features of golf (not real athletes, rather, people who have mastered a physical skill beginning at age 8) and rhythmic gymnastics minus the organizing influence of balls and ribbons.

It's not that I don't appreciate the sk8r dude ethos; it's refreshing, but it would be more refreshing with more shrugging and less arm pumping. And yes, the cynical decision by NBC that this is going to bring in the younger demo, thereby pushing traditional Olympic events which are real sports even further into the figure-skating-free margins, affects my attitude. But the real thing that gets me is how for two weeks every four years these youngsters are the Pride of America, and for the remaining 206 weeks we're yelling at them to get off the lawn before we call the cops.

And if you enjoy the ethos, enjoy it now. There's already too much money in the air. Wait four years.

As for Michelle Kwan, she's a fine champion in a sport I could care less about, and since I'm twice her age I can certainly sympathize about staring Father Time in the face. But this was all about VISA™ and Coke™. The network clamor had everything to do with advertising, just as über-Republican Peter Ueberroth's paean to her as the greatest Olympian of her generation had everything to do with the sleezy practice of voting someone on a team for inferior performance but superior sponsorships.

Olympic highlight, thus far: objectively pro-terrorist announcer Jim Lampley tossing to NBC news Sunday afternoon as the Cheney story broke, followed by his obvious struggle to contain himself when it was tossed back. Jim, you're what makes the USA #1.

Surprise Witness Backs Cheney Alibi

French songbird Claudine Longet:
"He was showing me how to load it and it just went off."

Happy Birthday

Diadorius Boudleaux Bryant
February 13, 1920--June 25, 1987

Joys of Holy Matrimony, # 701

ME: I'm gonna go take a bath.

PW: Okay. I'll be up in a few minutes with the toaster.

Day by Day Late

And not just late but way out of my weight class, but sometimes it's just fun to pretend like you belong.

Are There Enough Internets To Handle the GOP?

In the space of twenty-four hours, we get:
• Libby says Cheney made him do it.
• Bush says we saved Los Angeles a while back, just sayin'.
• FAUX illustrates that story with a clip from Armaggedon.
• DeLay named to Judiciary appropriations subcommittee.
• Bush sneaks Social Security program he couldn't sell into the budget.
• Fox edits 2/3 of the applause out of its Rev. Lowery clip, leading Mort Kondracke to comment on how short the applause was.
• Lieberman says he's sure McCain meant well. Oh, wait, he's a Democrat.
• Michael Brown threatens blackmail.
• Bush explains executive privilege by reading from My Pet Goat.
• Scott McClellan responds to a question about NSA surveillance by saying, "Hey, waddya gonna do?"
• Domestic black people flap overlaps international brown people flap.

Sheesh. I'm out of bullets.

Hahvaguhday!

Really, that's what the teller wished me this afternoon at the bank, only without the enthusiasm the exclamation mark implies. And I'm still working out the phonetic spelling. The "hahv" part sounded like Katherine Hepburn calling Jimmy Stewart's rabbit by his nickname, only with a half-cup of Southern drawl. It's possible she could have sounded less sincere, but I'm not sure how.

I know, I know, I'm the only man in America who gives a shit. It's only because this is the same side of the counterfeit "Happy Holidays" coin. Why does anyone care? I didn't come here to start a relationship, I just want you to do the math correctly. And it would seem to defeat the purpose when you can't even bother to enunciate your concerns for the sort of day I'm having. How 'bout we leave it at "Thank you"? Although that reminds me that 90% of the time when I say "Thank you" to a cashier or bagger--and I always do--they respond with "You're welcome." I know I'm welcome. I just paid for the experience. If it were left to my opinion of the thing I'd just walk out with my stuff and avoid all interaction with you. I was being polite.

Okay, I know the world has much bigger problems. I, on the other hand, do not.

Which brings us to the Olympics™.* Only a few more hours before the big opening extravaganza, hosted by Katie Couric and Bob Costas, in which one will try to decide which is most annoying: Couric's cheery willingness to chew on any shit they give her to eat; Costas pretending to be above it for the fourth or fifth time; or the Busby Berkley Meets Leni Riefenstahl extravaganza itself.

I just read that the Winter Games will last 17 days. Apparently we have now invented so many things someone can judge you on while you're standing in a snowbank that it just won't fit into two weeks anymore. What a banquet. Please, please tell me that means an extra two days of ice dancing.

Here's the deal: I like skiing. And speed skating. They're timed. Sports are either timed, or measured, or they end when only one guy can stand up. They're not judged. They've almost ruined the car-wreck attractiveness of ski jumping by requiring competitors to land like girl gymnasts or chorus boys. Hockey is fine. Curling is oddly absorbing; I somehow became a curling fan in the late 60s, though I generally shun sports that use kitchen appliances. Bobsledding and luge are fast, and they get boring fast, plus I just read that the US team is the beneficiary of new steel runners which would have cost $1M in research and $50,000 per set, except there's always some American somewhere willing to spend big bucks so we can humiliate Norway. I think it would be great if the Olympic committee banned national symbols altogether, but you might as well ask them to take a cut in graft.

Yeah, I know, a lot of people have grown to hate the rah rah and the sap ("She's dedicated this race to her uncle's cousin's mailman, who lost an arm in the war"). The thing that irritates me most about that is how much it shortchanges the story. Take Rulon Gardner, who pulled off one of the most astonishing upsets in Olympic history. He beat Aleksander Karelin, who'd been undefeated for 13 years and unscored on in World competition for ten. How much more impressive would that have been if, I dunno, we'd ever seen Karelin, or heard tell of him, before that match? Watching Franz Klammer in 1976, skiing last on a course that was by then pure ice and pulling out the gold is still one of my most exciting moments in sports. Would it have been better if he were a Texan?

I swear there wasn't nearly as much jingoism in the coverage at the height of the Cold War. I remember everybody going crazy over Abebe Bikila, the barefoot Ethiopian marathoner, in Rome. These days we'd cut away from the finish to check on the American in 24th place, the one who's brother had a gallstone operation last month. Things got much worse when NBC took over, with Curt Gowdy, the official hunting and fishing guide of the House Un-American Activities Committee, managing to squeeze in some play-by-play between political rants. There's also the fact, now all but lost, that we used to bitch about those damned Russian professionals and their Army sinecures who got to train all year long on the dole. Of course, once our professionals were allowed in it was a different matter, and the joy of watching a dozen NBA stars crush a bunch of Koreans no taller than 6'2" was unbounded.

In fact, now that I think of it, maybe Barbara Walters wasn't the early warning sign of everything going to hell. Maybe the Olympic coverage got there first. Besides the professionalism thing, there was the outrage at the bulked-up East German women in the 70s, which has been followed by our sudden concern for due process once our own stars started looking like Lou Ferrigno.

My favorites this time around, though, happen to be Americans: Bode Miller, because he swings from the heels every time, and his teammate Daron Rahlves, because he pulled off the second greatest practical joke** I've ever heard of. On his wedding day he hired a look-alike stunt bride to fall into Lake Tahoe. Genius.



*just play along

** Number three is the original garden gnome kidnapper in the 80s, who returned the thing a year later with an envelope of pictures from his world tour tied around his neck. And number one, all time, the guy whose kid sister had one of those dimestore pet turtles, who got a series of larger turtles and made his sister's pet gradually grow larger and larger, then just as mysterious shrink back to the original size.

Then Why Weren't All You Racist Crackers Watching Video of All the Lovely White People at the Reagan Funeral Instead?

[Warning: every fourth word in what follows might be an obscenity. I don't know yet.]

There are little flecks of spittle on my monitor. Okay, I've never been anybody's definition of laid-back. But y'know, ranting is a technique. It's a response to what our politics and culture have become through lies, cupidity, and stupidity. I generally don't twist my intestines in a knot while writing, or I'd a' given it up long before Al Gore invented the internet.

But this shit about the Coretta Scott King services makes me wish the word "shit" hadn't been devalued. Shit is noble by comparison. If shit had the choice it wouldn't sully its hands on this.

Let's start with Malkins:

The Democrats just can't restrain themselves. Absolutely ungodly.

Expose the Left has video of Jimmy Carter and Joseph Lowery gone wild with Bush-bashing sermons at Coretta Scott King's funeral.

And again, the poor defenseless word "ungodly" gets no choice whether to cross her lips, or the sound of choking would have been noted coast to coast. We'll come back to this in a moment. First, let's get the real story from our meticulously sourced if liberally-biased media. Maria Newman in the New York Times:

Former President Jimmy Carter talked about the nonviolent struggle for justice that the Kings tried to promote, a veiled reference to the war in Iraq. "They overcame one of the greatest challenges of life, which is to be able to wage a fierce struggle for freedom and justice and to do it peacefully," he said.

He also noted that Dr. King had been the subject of wiretapping by the F.B.I., a reference that recalls the Bush administration's controversial decision not to seek warrants for eavesdropping on some electronic communications related to the efforts against Al Qaeda.

"It was difficult for them personally with the civil liberties of both husband and wife violated, and they became the targets of secret government wiretapping and other surveillance," Mr. Carter, a Democrat, said of the Kings.

A "veiled reference"? A reference that "recalls the Bush administration's controversial decision not to seek warrants?" How about this: it's the accurate history of the life he was eulogizing? I have never come so close to typing in all caps in my life.

It's fucking one thing to read this stuff from whomever Malkins chooses to do her talking for her. It's another when the pure, unfounded, illiterate musings bouncing around a reporter's skull get reported as major news. And just to show I wasn't totally out of control about it, I went to the Malkins' link there to watch the video. I hadn't seen the service except in excerpts and I couldn't find a transcript. Here's the lead-in from the Exposer of All Things Left:

Bashing President Bush remained a constant theme at the funeral service for Coretta Scott King. Former President Jimm Carter made the crowd roar after he compared King’s wiretapping to Bush’s terrorist surveillance program:

CARTER It was difficult for them [the King family] then personally with the civil liberties of both husband and wife violated as they became the target of secret government wiretaps.

In the latter part of his speech, Carter said that not enough was done and is being done for those who suffered from the disaster created by Hurricane Katrina.

Notice anything missing? Like, I dunno, the part where Carter "compared that to Bush's terrorist surveillance program?"

Well, it's just a teaser, anyway. I'm sure the relevant quote will be in the video.

Gee. It wasn't.

Instead it was an edited clip containing the above, his comment "we only have to recall the color of the faces of those in Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi who are most devastated by Katrina to know that there are not yet equal opportunities for all Americans," and his sign off. I'm gonna go out on a limb now and say that the failure to link President Carter's actual words comparing the Kings' history to one of Bush's impeachable offenses means he didn't say it.

Look, I'm gonna try to say this nicely: you ignorant shit shovelers have no fucking idea what you're talking about. I'm truly sorry that those of you who feel inclined to hide your domestic racism aren't sated by the "acceptable" little brown terrorist outlet. Really. I'm sorry that on occasions like this one the only shaft in your quiver is the Golden Homing Arrow of Stupid. I long for the day when you-all'll be smart enough to appreciate that the New York Times does your dirty work for you, just without enough dirt for your tastes. I don't care if you want to keep pretending matters of race are settled in this country, or that you're above it all, and I don't care that you show no interest in the actual history of the Kings or of the struggle for equality. I would, in fact, prefer that you keep pretending that racism was the matter of a couple of guys with shotguns and bad attitudes. I don't want to hear your phony paeans to people who were brutalized by the Klan and the police, who were beaten bloody and toothless for daring to line up to register to vote, or sit at the white man's lunch counter. I'm happier that you don't know and don't care anything about it. I don't give a flying fuck whether you think a man being hung by his handcuffs for three days at Parchman Farm because he dared march for his civil rights meets your definition of torture. I don't care if you understand what all the sexually-demented dwarf the FBI buiding is named for did to stop the "burrhead King". I just wish all your fucking racist heads would explode from the strain, already.

You Got An Algorithm That Explains Why, If You Let Your Math-Major Roommate Do The Decorating, You'll Wind Up Staring At Fifteen M.C. Escher Posters?

Tim Hartford in Slate: "Who's the Greatest Artist of the 20th Century? This economist has figured out the answer."

I've noticed a similar tendency in economists. We spent decades perfecting the theoretical tools and the software to gather and analyze noisy data in a messy world. Most of the data were produced by laborious counting of the most obvious things: goods sold, prices, people out of work. Now the tools are so good and so simple to use, and data so easy to gather and disseminate, it's hard to resist the temptation not to count, well, something different.

A nice exponent of this is Chicago-based economist David Galenson , who recently demonstrated that Picasso was by far the greatest artist of the 20 th century. Galenson's method is simplicity itself: round up every art history textbook of the past 15 years and see whose art is reproduced most frequently. Picasso, with 395 illustrations in 33 textbooks, scores nearly as many as his three closest rivals (Matisse, Duchamp, and Mondrian) put together.

See, this is why I much prefer to hang out with artists in their cockroach-infested hovels rather than accountants in a skybox. Because I think I can guarantee that no artist is stupid enough to write a book naming the Great Economists of the 20th Century as sorted by their choice of shirt/tie color combinations.

I know nothing whatever about statistics, except not to fuck with them, and believe me, that's by choice. But whenever you see something like this there's always a little voice saying, "Gee, just a dollar for the whole bottle? And it cures scrofula?"

You can survey various 15-year periods of lit crit and determine that the Bard is a) way down the list of English playwrights; b) more of a poet; or c) hopelessly poncy. I just don't understand this burning desire we have to quantify the unquantifiable. Besides, it's Duchamp. I thought everybody knew that.

Point of Order

Perhaps I'm mistaken, but aren't the people in this country most incensed about Muslims rioting over media portrayals the same ones who were incensed last year that Newsweek published something that incited Muslims to riot?

Happy Birthday

Phil Soltanek born February 7, 1956

"I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. "

Trust Me, It Really Does Help if You Just Think of the United States Senate as the Fun-Filled Midway of the Bush Administration Carnival

A little Song, a little Dance,
A little Smoke blown up your pants...

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' unsworn testomercial before the Senate Judiciary committee Monday raised several troubling questions:

• Since the Committee Chairman has such broad discretionary powers, wouldn't it have been the smarter play to swear Gonzales in, but not plug in his mike? Does it matter? Why not just let him answer in a language he makes up on the spot? Or have the President declare that perjury is "okey-dokey" under the broad powers granted him by the Authorization for Use of Military Force, Pub. L. No. 107-40, 115 Stat. 224 (Sept. 18, 2001), hereafter known as "AUMF"?

• When Russ Feingold accuses Gonzales of "misleading testimony," isn't that redundant?

• I know, millions of gallons of ink get spilled in a futile effort to figure out how Democrats let the Bush administration off the hook time and time again. But why doesn't anybody ask how Republicans bring themselves to vote for the guy?

• Remember back in the day, when George W. Bush pledged to get to the bottom of the Plame affair? The simple joy of having him lie to you outright about obeying the law, instead of saying, "Yeah, so what?" Those were great times, weren't they?

• How is Arlen Specter still a Senator?

But the real excitement for me was the actual use of the actual trial balloon (I wasn't sure they'd do it) from a couple weeks ago--that George Washington set the precedent for wiretapping during the American Revolution! Yes, George Washington, who was at the time not only Not President, but was the Commander-in-Chief of the American forces, and a British subject, in rebellion, and operating under no actual governmental code until the last two years of the war, presciently established a Constitutional precedent.

Because, dude, Washington grew hemp! So it's legal now, right?

• The other Whack-a-Mole moment came at the State Department, where spokesman Sean McCormack had to dance on the wire for a moment:

QUESTION: I mean, is there anything that you can do to support countries like Denmark that are facing these acts of violence?

MR. MCCORMACK: Well, we put -- the White House put out a statement over the weekend talking about our support for the Danish Prime Minister and the statements that he has made on the subject. Secretary Rice has also spoken with the Danish and Norwegian foreign ministers over the weekend in the wake of the attacks on their embassy as well. What we can do is to speak out very clearly in support of freedom of expression, freedom of the press, and urge understanding and tolerance, tolerance not violence. And I think that is what you're hearing from many quarters around the world concerning this issue.

The Bush administration is urging tolerance, understanding, and respect for the freedom of the press. Let me repeat that: tolerance, understanding, and respect for the freedom of the press. I just love it when the dictates of international diplomacy, which they sneer at for domestic consumption, force them to defend abroad concepts they can't stomach at home.