The overnights are in, and it's clear that NBC's pander-to-the-Endtimers documentary Revelations has been righteously smitten by American Idol.
The clear implication of this is that while the United States was undeniably founded by evangelical Christians who intended only that this country be passably tolerant of others so long as those others remained properly reverent toward revealed truth, it is now in the hands of people who find Clay Aiken's singing a revelation. Which means the clear choice is between leaving the Constitution the fuck alone or turning the country over to Billboard's Hot 100.
Despite the ratings trouncing, the numbers for Revelations are actually pretty good for bottom-dweller NBC, which is reportedly talking series. And I'm off to La-La Land with a handful of pitch ideas and a dream:
Tower of Power, a new reality series in which teams of scantily-clad young people and their celebrity carpenter advisors must design and build a tower that reaches Heaven, while God tries to stop them.
Kabbalah Squad. Crusty Lt. Al Mukammas and his hip young goth-girl sidekick, an undercover night-club singer, solve crimes by poring over ancient texts.
Plato & Son. The Greek philosopher and his hunky young ward try to make it out of the Cave while the mysterious, half-human Og try to stop them with cave-ins and booby traps and still more cave-ins.
Really Divine Makeovers. Our heterosexual design team prays they'll bring the job in on time and under budget. Jesus offers woodworking tips in a weekly segment.
Get Descartes! While in the big city to protest a Gay Pride parade, two hot young Christians meet up with a bag lady with strangely glowing eyes, who shows them a hidden Portal to the Past and explains (in that eerie, recorded-backwards-and-played-forward voice) that René Descartes was the linchpin of the Enlightenment. They drive through the Portal in their vintage muscle car and chase the elusive Frenchman across exotic Gallic locales.
Wish me luck.