Thursday, April 6

One Two Three Four

I've slept approximately thirty-six of the preceding forty-eight hours. The remaining twelve or so have been more than adequately filled by the canker sore on my tongue (left side, roughly opposite the second molar) which is throbbing so intensely you can actually see the whole left side of my face pulsing if you look closely enough.

I'm inclined to blame the neighbors' dog for this, just because I can. He hasn't missed any meals. He didn't have to wake up cursing because I was barking incessantly at 10 PM. He's been walked and petted and wrestled with over a slobbery tennis ball, and I've carried his feces up the block in a sandwich bag, something no one has ever done for me.

He's a suburbanite's dog, which is to say he's a purebred, a large breed (Yellow lab), chosen apparently out of some combination of the daughter's pre-teen I'd rather have a pony aesthetics and weird Republican lawn-care dad Romanicism (We're going to breed him! He's going to retriever classes so we can hunt!). Neighbor wife wanted a cat and was outvoted, at which point she should have simply quit doing the laundry that, as a good American Republican suburbanite wife, she does after a full day's work instead of hubby salesman getting any of it done while he sits at home yammering on his cell phone, intact and unbred and faithful retriever by his side.

Actual interest in the dog lasted about nine months, or roughly the time it took him to stop being a puppy and start being a continuing problem. We would have started a pool, but both my wife and myself knew exactly what was about to happen. He's not a bad neighbor; he doesn't bark much, which is why being awakened by him was doubly irritating, and he does all his digging on the other side of their property. He's just somewhat neglected, not particularly bright, and must be presently on his second month without a bath. It's the sort of thing that happens when you a) let Republicans make decisions based on their unrealistic assumptions about the world and b) put them in charge of the maintenance.

The best thing about these semi-annual dogsitting stints is that I get to reclaim whatever of our possessions have made their way next door. This is not actually much of a problem--about 80% of things borrowed will be returned within, say, three months--but there's usually something to reclaim whenever an equinox comes around, and now I've finally got my copy of the Ramones documentary End of the Century back. Which was what I set out to write about, back ten minutes ago when nobody was pounding on my head. G'night again.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you're having loads of fun. Go ahead and blame the dog. I would.
This is actually kind of reminiscent of the republican in the White House who should have gotten a criminal investigation into 9/11 and instead decided he wanted a war, which it turns out he can't take care of and the family has lost interest in.

Hope you feel better.

Anonymous said...

i feel bad for the poor dog--IMO 'neglected' is like a couple of steps up from 'abused.'

i hope your canker sore goes away ASAP.

Anonymous said...

Best treatment, and preventative, I've found for canker sores (and I've tried them all) is L-lysine supplement.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

Anonymous said...

I second Anon above re: L-Lysine supplements. One a day has kept me canker/cold sore free for years. And it's cheap.

Anonymous said...

Oof. That all sounds terribly unpleasant. I'd be eyeing the liquor cabinet...

Anonymous said...

My first visit to your blog (connected to read your take on the David Brooks article and then found myself reading the Stossel piece as well).

As a Republican (go ahead and wince) who (a) lives in suburban DC, and (b) lives in a neighborhood populated by people who own similar large, purebred dogs who are left alone all day, I feel your pain (and wonder why those people ever buy dogs in the first place; my wife and I both work, and decided not to leave a dog alone and lonely for 12 hours out of the day).

However...I've got to take exception to your blaming the woes of dogsitting, and your neighbor "borrowing" your items, on his Republican ways. If you don't want to take care of the dog, or don't want to lend him your things...then don't. But in my book...your willingness to do so pretty much precludes your right to bitch about it later (or, at least, it should). You're the one who's put yourself in this position - not him.

Otherwise, sorry about the canker, and hope you feel better.

Anonymous said...

Well, thanks for the good wishes, Chris (better now), but I think you've missed a thing or two, perhaps as it was your first visit, or maybe I didn't explain well enough.

These people, Republican-libertarian and half-informed as they may be, are my friends, and I'm happy to do anything for them, as they do for me. The grousing about it is what you might call schtick, and that "Republican suburbanite dog owner" business is a sort of generic placeholder, not an ideological argument. I know a lot of Republican suburbanite dog owners who in fact, are not Republicans. Although I believe studies show that all Democrats own cats.

The loan/return thing is just humor based on reality. It's how they are, not how I view Republicans. Again, they're my friends, and they can borrow whatever they need.

Anyway, thanks for stopping by, and don't apologize for being Republican. It's curable.

Anonymous said...

Apologies all around, first read of your blog. Overall, very entertaining (not in a "watch the video of the little kid trying to jump in the pool and missing badly" kind of way, but more in the "huh...good point" kind of way, which I think we can all agree is infinitely better...not that I couldn't watch that kid on an endless loop some days at work...but I digress).