Thursday, October 26
Rush to Judgment Day
Sure, leave it to the Republicans to come up with an attack ad featuring the mild-to-moderately mentally deficient, whom it's impossible to attack and ridiculous to try to rebut. They told the one guy there this was about human cloning, fer chrissakes. And he swallowed it. How do you argue with that?
Well, we did a little research. First, all four of those people became American citizens at birth. Not a one of them bothered to apply for citizenship in utero. And none of them is either from Missouri or has a permanent residence in Missouri. Not sure why that's important, but Michael J. Fox was born a Canadian. In each case it's fair to ask why.
Now, Jeff Suppan, he's a baseball player. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but professional baseball players are the stupidest athletes in the world. It's a scientific fact. The guys with triple-digit IQs become baseball nerds, like George Will. Kurt Warner's a quarterback. They're usually a bit smarter than the average ballplayer, but not after eight or ten concussions. Jim Caviezel, the actor, is well-known for playing Jesus both on and off screen, and Patricia Heaton has been conveniently identified in the graphic as having graced the long-running sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Quite a tribute to your celebrity there, ma'm. The guy from G.I. Jane didn't need a mnemonic device.
Several doctors and other experts noted off the record that the four appeared to be heavily medicated in order to appear more normal. "Look, they're all standing or sitting more or less straight, although they did have to prop poor Kurt Warner against a wall, and they're not gesticulating wildly or passing out pamphlets or calling out to be raptured or anything. I'm pretty sure that's for effect," one told me.
We're not calling anybody's sincerely held beliefs into question here, oh no. It's just that giving all those Parkinsons, and Alzeheimer's patients, victims of spinal cord injuries, and countless others the hope that Jesus will be here soon to toss all the medical professionals who tried to cure them into the Lake of Everlasting Sterno just raises expectations that, in the end, will only be cruelly dashed.