Thursday, October 26

Rush to Judgment Day


Sure, leave it to the Republicans to come up with an attack ad featuring the mild-to-moderately mentally deficient, whom it's impossible to attack and ridiculous to try to rebut. They told the one guy there this was about human cloning, fer chrissakes. And he swallowed it. How do you argue with that?

Well, we did a little research. First, all four of those people became American citizens at birth. Not a one of them bothered to apply for citizenship in utero. And none of them is either from Missouri or has a permanent residence in Missouri. Not sure why that's important, but Michael J. Fox was born a Canadian. In each case it's fair to ask why.

Now, Jeff Suppan, he's a baseball player. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but professional baseball players are the stupidest athletes in the world. It's a scientific fact. The guys with triple-digit IQs become baseball nerds, like George Will. Kurt Warner's a quarterback. They're usually a bit smarter than the average ballplayer, but not after eight or ten concussions. Jim Caviezel, the actor, is well-known for playing Jesus both on and off screen, and Patricia Heaton has been conveniently identified in the graphic as having graced the long-running sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. Quite a tribute to your celebrity there, ma'm. The guy from G.I. Jane didn't need a mnemonic device.

Several doctors and other experts noted off the record that the four appeared to be heavily medicated in order to appear more normal. "Look, they're all standing or sitting more or less straight, although they did have to prop poor Kurt Warner against a wall, and they're not gesticulating wildly or passing out pamphlets or calling out to be raptured or anything. I'm pretty sure that's for effect," one told me.

We're not calling anybody's sincerely held beliefs into question here, oh no. It's just that giving all those Parkinsons, and Alzeheimer's patients, victims of spinal cord injuries, and countless others the hope that Jesus will be here soon to toss all the medical professionals who tried to cure them into the Lake of Everlasting Sterno just raises expectations that, in the end, will only be cruelly dashed.

5 comments:

heydave said...

As if there weren't already enough reasons to root for the Tigers, now Suppan opens his pie hole. Seriously, why try to make your case by first pissing me off with the Three Stooges AND Moe?

punkinsmom said...

Patty's brother.
In his October 20 column, he trumpets that The Road Warrior is one of his favorite films.

R.Porrofatto said...

At all levels, high school to pro, athletes are at risk for severe spinal cord injuries. There have been a number of cases of kids paralyzed for life for the sake of a fucking game. You'd think that dweebs like Warner and Suppan might just be a tad sympathetic in this regard.

I'm not charitable towards these fucks. If it takes an Orrin Hatch-like epiphany, where they or their loved ones must suffer some debilitating illness or injury to get them to become human beings, I'm all for it.

doghouse riley said...

Or just live long enough. I've got a father-in-law with Parkinson's and a mother with Alzheimer's (diagnosis as yet unconfirmed, but they've now abandoned their "she's just depressed" number in favor of treating the actual symptoms). 75% of the residents in assisted living have some form of dementia--and those are the people whose onset is so late or so slow they can still dress and bathe themselves.

The callousness shown Mr. Fox, and the hell-for-leather pace at which these demi-celebs lent their names to protect a political franchise over actual human life mostly make me hope that they're right: there will be a St. Peter at the Pearly Gates weighing their actions for Eternity.

norbizness said...

I'd listen to Everybody Loves Raymond's Peter Boyle concerning potentially unethical medical research, since he was at one point in the mid-70s Frankenstein's monster. But Patty is only fit to lecture me on plastic surgery disasters.

Go Tigers! Curtis Granderson wants to destroy embryos for Satan!