Monday, May 23


Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper may actually be liquid ambrosia. I don't know. I was traumatized by a Dr. Pepper at age 8-1/2, and I haven't had one since.

I have two basic objections here. One is to the relentless repackaging of trade names in the continual battle to seize (purchase, is more like it) ever more of Your Grocer's Shelf Space and run the other guy out of Dodge. Ever heard the term "handle position?" You should. It means the space closest to the door handle of a freezer or cooler, and merchandizers fight for it. Product placement wars have done more moral damage to this country than both of Janet Jackson's breasts ever could do, even working in tandem.

Second, there is such a thing as propriety, even in this debased age. A Caesar salad is a specific item. Like a Cobb salad, or a Waldorf salad, or, for that matter, Fettuccine Alfredo. There is no such thing as "Caesar dressing". That is mayonnaise flavored with anchovy, garlic, and parmesan. Ditto "alfredo sauce". These are the names of dishes, both named for their inventors, who incidentally did not discover mayonnaise or white sauce.

Should you, in a sudden burst of culinary insight, decide to replace the apples in Waldorf salad with turnips, you do not have "Turnip Waldorf Salad". I don't know what you have, but for chrissakes show a little respect and name the damn thing yourself.

As for chipotle, I like the stuff. There's some in the drawer right now for when I make salsa, but it's an ingredient, not a lifestyle choice. Chipotle should not be used the way Patton used tanks. If I need to be knocked unconscious I'll do it with strong drink, not condiments.

Thank you. I'll be updating the Mission Statement shortly.


Anonymous said...

mmm. To each his own. Oddly enough, my objection to Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper is that it's redundant.
The whole point of Dr Pepper is that it's cola with cherry flavor.
I'm with you on the shelf-space issue, though. More and more grocers are eliminating even the tiny spot on the shelf traditionally reserved for Tab. Bastards.
In a recursively ironic fashion, Tab seems to be the product of choice among creative types who seek to mock product placement. The logic apparently being that no one drinks the stuff anyway, so clearly everyone knows that no one would be paid to feature it anywhere, so we can safely use it in our ironic product placement jokes.
It's all very weird, but does not seem to be damaging (or repairing) the moral fiber of the country, though I admit I didn't notice any rents in the moral fiber post Jackson-mammary-exposure, either. I'm somewhat tone deaf on these issues.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather live the Chipotle Life than the Culture of Life.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see you throw something in there about au jus and con queso, too. The con queso really pisses me off, since I speak Spanish. It means "With cheese"! So quit calling it "Con Queso Sauce"!!!!

James Briggs Stratton "Doghouse" Riley said...

Oh sure, and my personal favorite, Shrimp Scampi. Somewhere in the dank recesses of my vast storage vaults there lies a menu c. 1980 from the Culinary Institute of America a friend sent me from New York listing the "Soup du Jour of the Day".

Anonymous said...

I used to work in a resturant that had something called a "Large Chicken Grande Salad".
Also, I found this both disgusting and amusing.

Anonymous said...

regarding cherry vanilla dr pepper:

crapitalism at its finest.

would someone please check adam smith's grave and see if he's spinning?