Um. First, I hate this Thursday night opening of the season. It's utterly out of whack, and what's even worse, it's on ABC. Can we send Hank Williams Jr. back to whatever it is he doesn't do the rest of the year, already? And I'll vote Republican if they'll just sponsor a Constitution amendment requiring him to drop his daddy's name. Christ, they sponsor enough amendments that one more probably wouldn't even be noticed.
Anyway, I was sorta half watching tonite, and my favorite moment came when I noticed that the legendary Raiders fans, who have their own soup commercial as well as a frankly homoerotic dress code of some sort, which I applaud, had mostly left the building with their team down 16 points, in possession, and three minutes left on the clock. That's two touchdowns there, fellahs; in case you missed it the two-point conversion rule was instituted in 1994. Heidi-ho.
Hee. I left the TV long before the last three minutes. I swear that events, owners, salary cap crap, networks, and beer commercials have just about destroyed my capacity to cheer.
I am not a Raiders fan. I am not a Raider-hater. And I love you. So when I ask you what makes the Raiders' fans homoerotic dress code more homoerotic than football dress codes elsewhere, please understand that I'm not being snippy. I am truly requesting information. If the information you provide is very, very detailed and kind of lyrical, well that's just a bonus for moi,mkthx.
Gee, I thought everybody would just agree with that on the face of it, so I didn't really prepare a defense. Lessee...they're pirates, for starters; they're the most accessorized fans in the league by a factor of five; there seems to be an overabundance of pointy stuff on 'em. Real Mad Max vibe goin' on, is all I'm sayin'. When they came to town last year some guy with chrome exhaust pipes cemented to his head told a local reporter he couldn't believe we were actually football fans, because most Indianapolis fans are in tracksuits. Not that entertaining, but then you can eat your nachos without your neighbor's body ornaments getting in the cheese.
I am very dumb. I ought to have been able to get as far as "They're pirates" on my own.
The plus side of the body ornaments and chrome and shields and stuff is that (at least early in the season) if your plate of nachos is cold, you can commandeer a Raiders fan and rig up a solar convection oven. (But don't try this with a GB cheesehead. Messy.) And you can use the pointier implements for s'mores after the game.
Also, if we are ever attacked by space aliens wielding ginormous killer magnets, the Raiders fans will go first.
You'd think the most homoerotic moments would come when groups of young men appear bare-chested (usually at college games), with letters painted on their torsos. Oddly, I'm nearly always unmoved.
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